Gemma From one extreme
It’s 6am and the house is peaceful and dark. There’s a crack of light peeping in from around the blinds letting me know that I have 30 minutes before the alarm beeps me into the day. I am conscious that the quality of this peace is about to be disrupted. Soon the kids will be up, charging around with a game of chase. I’ll be in the shower watching them run back and forth from room to room laughing and eventually falling out over a detail they can’t agree on. Jim will go down to the kitchen to pour us both coffee from the pot and we will both take five before the urgency of getting everyone out of the house begins. But this article is about parental burnout and the above is how we start our good days, the days where we are both well rested.
To the other
On the days where we are exhausted and can’t face getting up with the alarm we roll over and ignore it. As if by magic these are also the days when we didn’t make packed lunches the night before because we worked late. The same mornings that the laundry basket is overflowing with chaos. Jim and I will play our own game of chase on these mornings as we wrestle kids into their clothes, hunt for a pair of socks, hurry toast on to plates and glug mouthfuls of coffee in hope that it will take away the blurry eyed tiredness so we can work.
These are also the days where I find the kids under the kitchen table happily sharing a pot of honey between them, sticky fingers all over the show and five minutes until we have to leave. As I wipe hands and check uniforms for sticky bits I say to myself, “this is your own fault for snoozing the alarm” ignoring the fact that I was working late to meet the business needs, only criticism surfaces in these moments.
It’s easy to think that we are alone in this experience, that we are somehow failing to survive on these days of chaos but I had the best reminder recently that there is a wonderful shared experience in parenthood. Connecting to other parents normalises the experience for us all. And when we normalise the experience around parental burnout we can turn down the self criticism and encourage compassion and self love.
RESET 2022
Pregnant Then Screwed (PTS), is a wonderful charity dedicated to ending the motherhood penalty and speaking in to the world about their beliefs:
“We believe in a world where women are not judged for the contents of their womb, or the hours they work, or the fact that they have porridge in their hair and smell of Sudocrem, but for their skills and talents. We believe in a world where stay-at-home parents are valued for their contribution to society. We believe in a world where both parents are encouraged to spend time with their children. We believe in a world where childcare is free and is the best it can possibly be for all children and all those who care for our children. We believe in a world where both parents contribute equally to the running of a household whilst achieving their own ambitions. We believe that mothers deserve better and we believe that if we work together we can, and we will, create change.” – PTS
I am a huge advocate of their mission and was made up to take part in their online festival, RESET 2022 – a festival of motherhood and mental health. There was an awesome lineup, bringing together some of the world’s leading experts in mental health, happiness and wellbeing.
Mumologist – on parental burnout
But there was one session that has stuck with me, an important conversation held by Dr Emma Svanberg (Mumologist) about parental burnout. Dr Emma gave voice to the experience that most parents have had in the last few years. The pandemic put extra pressure on us all. In the session she described our stress levels like a pot of water on the stove. As things happen in life, the heat increases and over a prolonged period the pot eventually burns dry. Simple things like not getting enough sleep can increase the heat on the pot so it is no surprise that big experiences like having a baby in a pandemic can see a surge in temperature.
Rest
Dr Emma said something that gave me the biggest insight and the most practical and achievable tool to help us manage parental burnout. She asked us to consider how we can achieve total switch off? “What can you do for yourself that requires zero resource?” She expanded on these questions by reminding us that even the act of reading a book requires resource. Scrolling instagram, listening to a podcast and watching TV all require some exchange of resource. In her professional opinion as a clinical psychologist, rest is the only way to achieve total switch off. Inviting moments of rest throughout the day could be key to thriving instead of surviving. For me that might be sitting peacefully for ten minutes before I start work or abandoning the urge to deal with the piles of laundry while my youngest has his nap, instead resting myself.
My capable badge
This session caught my attention because I am a capable, busy person. I have taken pride in my ability to juggle a lot and be seen as someone who can get things done whilst taking more on. I have grown up around women who are strong and capable and have a huge capacity. I have worn ‘being capable’ as a badge of honour.
When I left this session I started to think about something I say to my clients, that we can’t pour from an empty cup. That we can’t give what we haven’t got and eventually we need to refuel if we want to keep going… we need to put more water in the pot!
Family Feed
I have had an unhealthy relationship with rest for most of my adult life. It’s not something I do well. Even before having children I had a never ending list of things to do and they had sub lists. In the pandemic I started Family Feed – at that time it was a place for me to express some of my creativity which was a joyful experience. But I set myself a target of writing a new article with a family friendly recipe every week. I didn’t once stop to consider that I had a six month old baby and a toddler and we were in a pandemic. It was a normal thing for me to stay busy.
Then last summer I realised that I was tired. That I couldn’t keep pouring, because my cup was empty. I was juggling a lot and so I took a break from Family Feed. That felt uncomfortable at first and I felt the need to explain myself. But I didn’t and instead I retreated and gave myself permission to do less, to rest. Looking back I probably had an experience of parental burnout. In that year I started to look at my total life, what else wasn’t serving me, was I compromising myself in other ways and how did that move me away from my values. This year of rest from Family Feed was an opportunity for me to slow down and follow my joy.
Resting for longevity
Eventually I came back to Family Feed after taking a whole year off writing new recipes. After the session with Dr Emma Svanberg I wondered if I would have needed a whole year off if I had invited more rest in my day to day. There’s a saying I heard recently, slow down to speed up. It didn’t mean much at the time, which is likely why I can’t remember who said it to me, but in this moment it has meaning for me. That the act of rest is essential to my overall effectiveness. I can still work until 1am when there is a business need, provided I recognise that the next day I might need to cancel plans with friends to get an early night. I can tackle the piles of laundry when my son naps, provided I take the first 20 minutes to rest myself and setting myself extra deadlines is ok if it doesn’t take me away from the joy and my ability to reset.
Becoming a Mental Health First Aider in 2021 gave me tool and resources to use with clients when they were experiencing parental burnout. But it was Dr Emma Svanberg session that helped me make the connection back to my own experience. I have come to realise that wearing my capable badge is not something to be ashamed of. I am capable and energetic and I like to be busy just so long as I wear my ‘needs to rest’ badge with the same pride.
