Gemma It was five o’clock in the morning and I could feel the warm water lapping at my shoulders, a gentle reminder of calm. It felt safe, I was exactly where I was meant to be. I was deep in the meditation of my own breath, my own being, my own existence – connected to the lifesource inside of me.
Until that point in my life I had never experienced surrender in that way. But suddenly that serene state left me and there was an urgency, an almost terror, that visited the water and seeped in to my body. I could not do the impossible and fear entered the room knocking me off my path. I spoke for the first time and broke my silence: “I can’t do this Jim. I can’t do it.”
Then he reminded me of my breath and I sucked in the air deeper, fuller, with more and more intention. The fear dissipated as instantly as it had arrived. And in its shadow, it left me in the calmest of states, the deepest of meditations, the most surreal experience I had ever felt.
I remember feeling as if the room itself was filled with water. Everything moved into a slow motion and impossible pace. Every second felt like ten, I was here but I was not here. Everything changed. I was leaving and arriving at the same time. My first child was being born as I moved to the rhythm of the now distant breath that was rooted inside of me. My body took over. Its innate wisdom had arrived. I did nothing. My body did everything. It knew exactly what to do to bring my baby into this world. I had fully surrendered.
As my baby entered this world, the woman I was exited, she was gone. As my baby took her first breath I took my own. The mother in me was born. She was powerful, fierce, capable and divine. I knew at that moment who I was, a warrior, a woman who had felt instant expansion of her body and mind.
The weeks and months that followed that moment, were tough, hard and challenging. My breasts that fed my baby were cracked and bled, and I felt broken as if I did not know this world and everything was new again. Motherhood is an instant arrival to a lifelong journey. One foot in front of the other into the unknown. Motherhood is constantly changing. Motherhood is letting go of the echoes of your old identity and fully embracing who you are now. I am stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. I am fiercer than I ever knew I could be. My wisdom as a woman evolved quietly. And now I find myself with a four and two year old. Life is busy. We are churning the conveyor belt of family life with young children. If you know this space, then you know it is restless.
It is so easy to disconnect from your power when the days are full and you are juggling so much. But that wisdom is forever in you and you can invite it to be more present in your life. You can create moments in your day that ground you in your strength.
My daughter, and I share a joy for music. We feel into the music and Katy Perry’s song ROAR is an unexpected joy in my life. It is a song we start most of our days with. When I hear it I am reminded of who I am. Of all that I have lived through. All that I have become. I have grown, expanded, surpassed, evolved. I have erupted. I have arrived.
If you are struggling to connect with your power, if you feel weaker than you have ever felt before, if you feel drained, boxed in, trapped and disconnected there is another way. Society has forgotten the majesty of the mother. We can rebuild what once was by stepping into our wisdom in the smallest and biggest of moments. Trust your instinct, slow down, step back, choose where you spend your energy. Light your own fire.
Whenever I believe I am weak, disconnected, struggling, lacking capability. I stop and remind myself of the nights where I have fed my babies as they have cluster fed. I remember the love I pour into everything I do. The nights I have nursed sick children and still delivered at work the next day. The days where I have felt the never ending list of chores dragging me down. The moments where I wonder who I am. I remember all of these collective moments but instead of recalling the struggle, I recall the acceleration, how I moved forward in spite of the struggle.
As mothers we are leaders. We are leading on every front in every space of our life. We are leading a family, the next generation. We are growing and evolving with the constant change and we are capable of so much, our capacity is enormous.
Katy Perry says
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath.
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess.
So I sat quietly, agreed politely.
I guess that I forgot. I had a choice.
I let you push me past the breaking point.
I stood for nothing.
So I fell for everything.
You held me down but I got up.
Already brushing off the dust.
You hear my voice? You hear that sound?
Like thunder gonna shake the ground.
You held me down but I got up.
Get ready ‘cause I’ve had enough
I see it all. I see it now.
I’ve got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and
You’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am the champion
And you’re gonna hear me roar!
Pop music or not those words are powerful. Find words that fill you with courage. Bring you back to your power. Inject you with energy to arrive in the day. Make them part of your routine and roar!
