Gemma I’m writing this blog post from A&E with my youngest child. We’re coming up to two hours in and we’ve just been told there’s a seven hour wait. My son is exhausted and thankfully sleeping. It’s 1:30am and I realise that I feel surprisingly calm, alert and awake considering I’ve spent the last three nights looking after a poorly child, working, cooking etc etc and all on little sleep.
Since becoming a parent my capacity has skyrocketed. If you told me in my 20s that I would need to juggle so much on so little sleep I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. But it’s love and living in alignment with my values that is the catalyst for my capacity. Twenty-something Gemma had very different values to thirty-something Gemma. And that’s no surprise to me. Children change your world. But so does getting older in general. As we age our values change and it’s important to pay attention to them.
While I know I have a huge capacity in motherhood I am also increasingly aware that I can’t pour from an empty cup. And because I understand my values, I am also able to live by them. It is as much about giving my energy as it is about protecting it.
The older I get the more comfortable I am in setting my boundaries and maintaining them. I am empowered to say no to the things that no longer serve me. When I reflect on my twenties I think, like most of us, that I often chose to fit in and get on, even if that cost me my own joy at times. Getting older is liberating because I no longer have to be all things to all people. I can be me and the older I get the better I know myself.
When was the last time you sat down and thought about your values in a structured way? It can be helpful to do this if you are feeling stuck and overwhelmed or you are finding your energy and motivation is low.
I have found that when I am living in alignment with my values my energy and capacity shifts and I am more resilient. But it starts with connecting to your values and remembering that they change over time. You can find lots of resources on making a list of your values online, but I think there is a precursor to this. I think you must journey to a place of joy in your mind first. This helps us to invite small inward connections and understand our energy better. Here’s an exercise I use with my clients.
You will need a journal/paper and a pen for this. My suggestion is to do this activity when you are removed from the distraction of day-to-day life. Take your time, it should be a slow discovery and it might be something you choose to build on over a couple of days.
In your journal ask and answer these questions:
1. When was the last time you remember feeling at ease and relaxed?
2. What was happening in the memory?
3. Close your eyes and picture yourself in that memory, what does it feel like to be there again?
4. Notice is there anyone else with you, who are they?
5. Notice where you are, does it influence how you feel?
6. Notice what you are doing, how does it feel?
7. Notice your body – how are you holding it?
You may want to repeat the seven questions over a few days to really anchor yourself in this memory. Just before going to sleep can be a good time to do this. Take a few minutes to replay the memory and notice as much about the feelings as you can. Focus on the feelings and see what happens to your energy.
This next bit is an exercise that you should invest in. Make sure you are ready to play and you won’t be easily distracted.
Time 30 – 60 mins, you can break it up over a few days.
Take a fresh page in your journal, at the top write the title: My recipe for my joy.
We are going to play with the idea that you can create your joy just as if you were writing a recipe. You need to be playful and curious to get the most out of this exercise.
8. Remember the feeling of ease and relaxation from your memory in the first exercise. Now imagine you are writing a recipe to help you recreate these feelings. Write a list of ‘ingredients’ that will help you to create them.
This is about being playful, you are creating a new recipe, there are no rules, be creative and think beyond the limitations you are currently experiencing.
Ask yourself what you need for this recipe:
people
location
objects
experiences
resources
activities
words
What can you:
see
hear
taste
smell
What colours come to mind
What song would be playing
How are you holding your body
Now list at least 12 things that you have forgotten to include – the seasoning, if you like.
Make the list as long and detailed as you can and keep coming back to it. Every time you think you are done ask yourself: what else. And close your eyes if it helps you. Come back to this list over a few days, it helps to keep going.
At some point you will notice that your list has gone from the obvious to the unexpected. This is what happens when we keep going, keep unfolding and keep discovering.
When you have exhausted this list take a moment to read your recipe back. Then write down three words that summarise this recipe and write them down.
These three words are your anchor to this recipe and it will help you to reconnect with the experience when you are thinking about your values.
If you are a busy, capable, giving person and you are juggling a lot, it can be hard to connect in and listen to your needs and values. This recipe will help you to begin connecting with your joy, it is the start of the journey, you can build on this and get to know yourself again.
If you want to take this further, books like Finding your own North Star by Martha Beck are packed with exercises to take you deeper. If you want to do this work collaboratively then working with a coach could be the thing for you. If you do take this path be sure to book a connection call first, they are usually free and important for both you and the coach. All coaches are different and you need to find the coach that resonates with you.
Update: The wait at A&E is 10.5 hours now and we are still waiting to be seen by a doctor. I’m starting to flag a little. I’ve written this intermittently while my son has napped by my side. When I started to do my own self-discovery work I was surprised to discover that reading and writing are in my ingredients list.
In motherhood I have found that making time to read is a joy I never previously knew. Writing in my journal or blogging about my experience allows an essential part of who I am to come to life. It’s pretty radical given I spent a lot of my life telling myself I didn’t like reading and writing because I found it hard as a child. I have dyslexia which contributed to that narrative. But as I have grown and changed I have made space to listen to who I am now. We all change, our values change and opportunities come our way when we write our own recipe for joy and start to invite more of it.
I’d like to thank all the wonderful staff in the NHS who made our experience in A&E friendly and supported despite not having the resources they need to do their job under pressure. We are home now, and all is well…
